I'll soon turn 31but my reports reflect a different picture which,
often deprives me of patience, and worse, hope. I know these are all
numbers, and there are some women out there who've had worse numbers
than mine yet went on to conceive after several years, either after
multiple IVFs or naturally (yes, naturally!). Soon enough practical and
suspicious side of brain questions "what is this %age of women who had a
miracle? 1? 2? certainly not more than 10 I'd think." Higher education,
independent thinking has sure ruined my ability to have faith. We often
tend to doubt every miracle or at least say it's a very small number.
But I want to try, genuinely, to shed that impact of education on me,
and begin to have faith that life can surprise us in many good ways too.
August 2010 life surprised me (cruelly) with a call from Columbia. I had had two failed IUIs with Clomiphene and progesterone support. The RE said ovaries were dead (yeah, so they thought!). Though I had regular periods, as per these reports I had to accept donor eggs to avoid wasting time, money and emotions. My highest FSH recorded was 24, lowest AMH 0.15. That day I cried at the top of my lungs, for hours. DH rushed home. I cried for hours while DH juggled between working from home, and consoling me. Staring at the mirror I had a flashback of past 29 years. Every moment of my life where I wanted so desperately to be a mother. I blamed everything possible, DH for delaying TTC process due to his career change, blame parents for giving me weak genes- they conceived me within a month of TTC btw- and anything or anyone else I could think of. OF course, mostly myself. Luckily, not once did I think "why me?" It wouldn't be justified coming from me who believes in karma. I knew it was just karma taking away something from me in return of something I have or will get. It could also mean karma was testing me. After all, this certainly wasn't the end of my life, though it seemed like that back then. I had been through a lot at a very young age. Four years of insomnia, two episodes of brain fever that left me unconscious. I lived through it. Mom stayed up with me four years, not a single wink at night for her. She had sacrificed too much for me. Dad had sacrificed too, to accommodate my health. Yet, here I was at age 29 blaming them for giving me bad genes.
That winter I went to my parents, and under the best RE there got my first IVF done. This RE wasn't too optimistic either. They got just one egg which didn't fertilize. I was then asked to consider DE within 2 days for lining reasons. I was informed the donor looked a lot like me, was moderately educated from a good family with two kids of her own. DH was in. He believes the baby will at least have his genes, but still be like both of us because every minute that the baby is growing inside me, baby is getting my blood and signals from my mind and body. Shocking to me, mom sided with him. She came up with the lamest excuse I could expect from a woman as strong and independent as her. "Your in-laws know you're doing an IVF, if you don't give them a good news they'll be very upset."
For the first time that day I realized how much my in-laws had impacted our lives. Because my mom is one tough nut to crack when it comes to 'what would someone think'. She genuinely cares for me, my future so I understand her worry of me making my in-laws upset with no good news but it wasn't more important than what I felt. I was mentally fragile.
Those two days were probably the longest and shortest days of my life. There were all practical reasons to say yes, including pleasing my husband. But deep within I knew I'd be broken. Mom was certain one pregnancy would do the trick. I'd be so happy with one baby in life that spontaneous pregnancy would soon follow. DH completely agreed with her (rather rare for him to agree with my mom). Whilst we were struggling to not let me slide into depression, dad intervened, and as always, guided me through it with such ease that only he can do. Guess that's what dads are for. His points were plain:
1. What is the rush? 2. Why are you giving up so soon? I don't care about those reports, you are young.
3. Just because doctors think you cannot doesn't mean theres no hope. Try alternative medicines, DE-stress yourself, pray a lot, be positive, enjoy life, and it will happen. 4. We have learned a lot from this IVF too, keep that in mind but let it not hinder with marching ahead. And 5. Money is trivial compared to your happiness. Just go back to be with __ (DH) and remain positive.
There are no words that can ever express my gratitude towards my parents for being what they are to me, and now to my husband.
I often think karma is not cruel but fair to me because eventually it's about give and take. We cannot withdraw from our account unless we have something deposited (at least I've no intent of pleading bailout!) Karma gave me the best parents one could have, DH who though other times- well, mostly- gets on my nerves for a lot of things, has otherwise stood with me through this testing phase. These three people are my life support system. During our IUIs DH's reports were bad so till today, that's the reason we give his family for our inability to give them a good news, combined with his overly demanding job which, leaves him with very little time to stay home, and stresses him crazy. The job part is true.
So I've every reason to think karma's testing me. The harder I work, more faith I put in, it will happen. Some day it will. Amen :-)
August 2010 life surprised me (cruelly) with a call from Columbia. I had had two failed IUIs with Clomiphene and progesterone support. The RE said ovaries were dead (yeah, so they thought!). Though I had regular periods, as per these reports I had to accept donor eggs to avoid wasting time, money and emotions. My highest FSH recorded was 24, lowest AMH 0.15. That day I cried at the top of my lungs, for hours. DH rushed home. I cried for hours while DH juggled between working from home, and consoling me. Staring at the mirror I had a flashback of past 29 years. Every moment of my life where I wanted so desperately to be a mother. I blamed everything possible, DH for delaying TTC process due to his career change, blame parents for giving me weak genes- they conceived me within a month of TTC btw- and anything or anyone else I could think of. OF course, mostly myself. Luckily, not once did I think "why me?" It wouldn't be justified coming from me who believes in karma. I knew it was just karma taking away something from me in return of something I have or will get. It could also mean karma was testing me. After all, this certainly wasn't the end of my life, though it seemed like that back then. I had been through a lot at a very young age. Four years of insomnia, two episodes of brain fever that left me unconscious. I lived through it. Mom stayed up with me four years, not a single wink at night for her. She had sacrificed too much for me. Dad had sacrificed too, to accommodate my health. Yet, here I was at age 29 blaming them for giving me bad genes.
That winter I went to my parents, and under the best RE there got my first IVF done. This RE wasn't too optimistic either. They got just one egg which didn't fertilize. I was then asked to consider DE within 2 days for lining reasons. I was informed the donor looked a lot like me, was moderately educated from a good family with two kids of her own. DH was in. He believes the baby will at least have his genes, but still be like both of us because every minute that the baby is growing inside me, baby is getting my blood and signals from my mind and body. Shocking to me, mom sided with him. She came up with the lamest excuse I could expect from a woman as strong and independent as her. "Your in-laws know you're doing an IVF, if you don't give them a good news they'll be very upset."
For the first time that day I realized how much my in-laws had impacted our lives. Because my mom is one tough nut to crack when it comes to 'what would someone think'. She genuinely cares for me, my future so I understand her worry of me making my in-laws upset with no good news but it wasn't more important than what I felt. I was mentally fragile.
Those two days were probably the longest and shortest days of my life. There were all practical reasons to say yes, including pleasing my husband. But deep within I knew I'd be broken. Mom was certain one pregnancy would do the trick. I'd be so happy with one baby in life that spontaneous pregnancy would soon follow. DH completely agreed with her (rather rare for him to agree with my mom). Whilst we were struggling to not let me slide into depression, dad intervened, and as always, guided me through it with such ease that only he can do. Guess that's what dads are for. His points were plain:
1. What is the rush? 2. Why are you giving up so soon? I don't care about those reports, you are young.
3. Just because doctors think you cannot doesn't mean theres no hope. Try alternative medicines, DE-stress yourself, pray a lot, be positive, enjoy life, and it will happen. 4. We have learned a lot from this IVF too, keep that in mind but let it not hinder with marching ahead. And 5. Money is trivial compared to your happiness. Just go back to be with __ (DH) and remain positive.
There are no words that can ever express my gratitude towards my parents for being what they are to me, and now to my husband.
I often think karma is not cruel but fair to me because eventually it's about give and take. We cannot withdraw from our account unless we have something deposited (at least I've no intent of pleading bailout!) Karma gave me the best parents one could have, DH who though other times- well, mostly- gets on my nerves for a lot of things, has otherwise stood with me through this testing phase. These three people are my life support system. During our IUIs DH's reports were bad so till today, that's the reason we give his family for our inability to give them a good news, combined with his overly demanding job which, leaves him with very little time to stay home, and stresses him crazy. The job part is true.
So I've every reason to think karma's testing me. The harder I work, more faith I put in, it will happen. Some day it will. Amen :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment