Anyone who knows me well knows I cannot stick to a resolution of not crying. I just cannot. So I cheated yet again. Despite the best of efforts, I cried a lot today, enough to last for hours even at the acupuncturist's office.
And all of this is happening because I'm beginning to have PMS pain, again! Every cycle I hope I'll not have a period now for nine months but it shamelessly comes back!
I'm seeing around me women who're on identical protocol like mine- DHEA 25 mg x 3 a day, Prenatal- conceive naturally! They are older than me, have worse numbers than mine in their reports, yet they're conceiving naturally! So why am I not? I know one of them exercises quite a bit, she runs 3-5 miles 4-5 times a week. She conceived within a month! One month?!?! I mean, did she have those high FSH and low AMH numbers, really? Is it because of her active routine? Her BMI of 20? What do I do? NOTHING. Other than standing to cook, I've no other exercise. I procrastinate too much. I'm so tempted to drop the IVF for another 2 months, get serious about exercising, and diet, feel a bit better about myself and then do the IVF. But knowing myself, I don't think I'll stick to it.
I want my own baby, and I want it really bad. Then why didn't I get serious about it? Why was my loneliness so overpowering on 'real need of the hour'? I would watch TV soaps for hours- detest them yet watch every day, every episode- spend the evening cooking, then eat, and then it was bed time.
I'm afraid, embarrassed to say to DH I want at least another month. Also, DHEA gave me some good results one cycle with FSH going to 4 from 24, and AMH going to 0.73 from 0.15. That was incredible! But next month, FSH was 8 and AMH back to 0.16. I'm so shocked that I just don't want to take any more chances. I don't want to waste much time either.
Mom's visiting me for a month and half, just for the IVF. She'll be here by thanksgiving. I cannot have her cancel her international ticket on a short notice... I don't know what to do.... I've another patch to put tonight. Will put that anyways.
And all of this is happening because I'm beginning to have PMS pain, again! Every cycle I hope I'll not have a period now for nine months but it shamelessly comes back!
I'm seeing around me women who're on identical protocol like mine- DHEA 25 mg x 3 a day, Prenatal- conceive naturally! They are older than me, have worse numbers than mine in their reports, yet they're conceiving naturally! So why am I not? I know one of them exercises quite a bit, she runs 3-5 miles 4-5 times a week. She conceived within a month! One month?!?! I mean, did she have those high FSH and low AMH numbers, really? Is it because of her active routine? Her BMI of 20? What do I do? NOTHING. Other than standing to cook, I've no other exercise. I procrastinate too much. I'm so tempted to drop the IVF for another 2 months, get serious about exercising, and diet, feel a bit better about myself and then do the IVF. But knowing myself, I don't think I'll stick to it.
I want my own baby, and I want it really bad. Then why didn't I get serious about it? Why was my loneliness so overpowering on 'real need of the hour'? I would watch TV soaps for hours- detest them yet watch every day, every episode- spend the evening cooking, then eat, and then it was bed time.
I'm afraid, embarrassed to say to DH I want at least another month. Also, DHEA gave me some good results one cycle with FSH going to 4 from 24, and AMH going to 0.73 from 0.15. That was incredible! But next month, FSH was 8 and AMH back to 0.16. I'm so shocked that I just don't want to take any more chances. I don't want to waste much time either.
Mom's visiting me for a month and half, just for the IVF. She'll be here by thanksgiving. I cannot have her cancel her international ticket on a short notice... I don't know what to do.... I've another patch to put tonight. Will put that anyways.
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