I embarked upon this journey about three years ago, and though I've been writing a few things now and then, here and there, I never wrote a blog about it. This will be- I know- yet another blog about a woman who's going through the turmoil of being denied, being challenged on the path of motherhood. And just like all those other ones, I hope I've a positive post here some day. I hope I can put here pictures of our baby; my baby.
While I strongly believe motherhood is more of a feeling, I do realize- going through it myself- that most of the women want motherhood to begin with conception of "their own" child. Hence, I so deeply admire the women who've kept aside all such desires, perhaps fought the society's norms, and taken in a child of some other parent, loved the child as much as her own, and made that child believe that life does give us another chance. These women are incredible, and so are the people who stand by them through their decision of adoption.
Having said that, I also honor the feeling we- the majority of women- share of feeling the child grow in us, know that we're going to try to find in the baby a little bit of us, a little bit of daddy, and a little bit of all the grandparents, uncles and aunts who're bonded with the baby. We want to feel our baby(ies) kick us inside, move when we eat something we've (or the baby?) has been craving for. We want to think our baby dances inside us when we dance with joy, and pats the womb inside when we're sad. I want to go through labor, see and hear my baby come into this world crying out loud, watch the doctors cut that umbilical cord (only from the exterior), see my husband's teary eyes light up as he holds in his arms the bundle of our hopes and prayers come true... I want us to have our turns on pampering and disciplining our baby.... I want to protect my baby from every blow of hard wind, every drop of cold rain, and every burning ray of sun. I then want my parents to say "you're not being any different than we were with you".
Yes, I'm no exception. I want to feel all of that, and much more.
Forgetting the hurtful past or to not think about the precarious present may not be easy but I am going to try. If possible, I want to toss all these tears, the loud noises of me crying like I was mourning, my drowning into the doctor's voice during those bad news phone calls that sounded like death sentences... I want to toss it all out of my 19th floor apartment, right into the trash can of the restaurant below.
Not from tomorrow, but this very moment I am going to be positive, pray and hope tomorrow is a fresh beginning, a start of brighter days to come.
Tomorrow- 11/17/2011 9 AM, I plan to leave for the doctor's office where I will begin my second round of IVF.
While I strongly believe motherhood is more of a feeling, I do realize- going through it myself- that most of the women want motherhood to begin with conception of "their own" child. Hence, I so deeply admire the women who've kept aside all such desires, perhaps fought the society's norms, and taken in a child of some other parent, loved the child as much as her own, and made that child believe that life does give us another chance. These women are incredible, and so are the people who stand by them through their decision of adoption.
Having said that, I also honor the feeling we- the majority of women- share of feeling the child grow in us, know that we're going to try to find in the baby a little bit of us, a little bit of daddy, and a little bit of all the grandparents, uncles and aunts who're bonded with the baby. We want to feel our baby(ies) kick us inside, move when we eat something we've (or the baby?) has been craving for. We want to think our baby dances inside us when we dance with joy, and pats the womb inside when we're sad. I want to go through labor, see and hear my baby come into this world crying out loud, watch the doctors cut that umbilical cord (only from the exterior), see my husband's teary eyes light up as he holds in his arms the bundle of our hopes and prayers come true... I want us to have our turns on pampering and disciplining our baby.... I want to protect my baby from every blow of hard wind, every drop of cold rain, and every burning ray of sun. I then want my parents to say "you're not being any different than we were with you".
Yes, I'm no exception. I want to feel all of that, and much more.
Forgetting the hurtful past or to not think about the precarious present may not be easy but I am going to try. If possible, I want to toss all these tears, the loud noises of me crying like I was mourning, my drowning into the doctor's voice during those bad news phone calls that sounded like death sentences... I want to toss it all out of my 19th floor apartment, right into the trash can of the restaurant below.
Not from tomorrow, but this very moment I am going to be positive, pray and hope tomorrow is a fresh beginning, a start of brighter days to come.
Tomorrow- 11/17/2011 9 AM, I plan to leave for the doctor's office where I will begin my second round of IVF.
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