Thanksgiving

Three years back, thanksgiving weekend had turned into a nightmare for us, and a millions of others. We were in OH, but our hearts were back home, witnessing one of the worst terror attacks back home. DH and I didn't sleep for the first 30 hours. Then we began sleeping in turns. I'd be up all day watching live online streaming of events happening back home, and then he would watch all night. It was a 9/11 for our home soil, the only difference being that we're so prone to it, and have been dealing with it for so many years now, that it seems like just another chapter in the attacks that happen on home soil. Of course, almost nothing impacts our impotent leaders.

We're such a sorry lot, back home and ones living here. We don't, or cannot vote. Many of us have lost faith from the electoral system. Often times, it's hard to believe the leaders standing up there representing the nation are indeed the ones we chose. There's always a chance of something fishy when it comes to electoral ballots etc back home.

These things- I understand- do make youth more ignorant about the duties towards their nation. We think our vote doesn't matter. Or that they're all the same. It often seems like choosing the best from the worst. Most of the leaders aren't well educated, some who are, aren't in teh limelight yet. It might take them years to get to a position where they'll be able to make a bigger impact. But who knows, if they really want those roles. Politics can turn even the best of people into scoundrels, or frighten them enough to quit.

It's a vicious cycle. We want to bring in a better team, but there's no one suitable. Because there's no one suitable, we don't vote. And because the scoundrel leaders end up buying votes, the scoundrels continue to rule, and educated, polished and well-groomed people never enter politics. If they do, they remain in positions which don't really help the nation much. Thanks to these scoundrels, no one like us wants our kids to get into politics.

The scoundrels have ensured system is so corrupt, that at every step one of the rascal from either side of the parties does end up making some money. The several hundred relatives of such politicians also fill in their accounts with millions of dollars, get free or subsidized land under pretext of farming, only to alter sell it to business giants. Business tycoons are happy to oblige politicians because it's a give and take.

Back home, it's surprising how none of the terror attacks have ever killed or hurt a notable politician or business giant? I know it's a very bad thing to wish for, but in the situation that my country is right now, there's really now ay we can think of being good and noble anymore towards the politicians. They're all worthy of being dragged into prisons, and left to starve to death until they don't mend their ways!

A nation so weak within can never fight against terrorists, or demand actions from the terrorism harboring nations. We are such meek and sorry lot, we are still feeding, and giving top security to the one bomber we caught alive. Can you believe this? We're actually giving him top security! Like, he's protecting the best interest of our nation, or some day he'll lead us to the main source. If nothing, we can at least try to curb infiltration, home bred groups, and make a system so strong that anyone eying our country with bad intentions gets beaten up really bad.

Just the way U.S. did. Among so many other reasons, this happens to be my #1 reason for loving this country. One 9/11 was more than enough. Be it the GOP or Dem, they're all united when it comes to preserving the nation's interest. Americans (majority of them) put the nation's well-being first. Whereas back home, majority seems to be more than happy to sell away their motherland in return of favors so cheap, so filthy, that even hell would be ashamed to take in such b*****ds!

Oh boy.... this is not how I want my thanksgiving to be. I do not eat turkey- actually, any meat/eggs etc for the matter of fact- but I do want a thanksgiving which, is beyond the meal aspect. This thanksgiving, I want to be thankful for everything I have. For this one day, I do not want to think of what I do not have, just look at all the best of fortune that I have compared to several millions of unfortunate, and be very thankful for it. Because I'm truly thankful for having a human life, the faith I got, the belief I have in God, the fact that my family and I have a fully able body and mind, the best parents I got, the dearer to me than myself husband I chose, the bunch of people known as 'in-laws' that came along with him (yes, I'm very thankful to have them too!), the shelter my family and I have over our heads, and all the basic necessities that are taken care of . There's so much to be thankful for if we choose to be, that there's little, or almost no room left to wish for anything else.

Still waiting

Today's the fourth day but there's still no AF. I'm not sure if this is the effect of estrogen patches but I'm certainly anxious to know how we'll start with the IVF monitoring now. Everything seems to be completely different with no AF in sight. How are we going to do a Day 2 blood and ultra sound test? Did email the same concerns to my RN, waiting for her re.

Today is technically my fourth patch day. But I don't know if I should do it or not. Will wait for RN's re. I've until 10 PM.

DH will be home tomorrow for Thanksgiving. We've no special plans because the day will begin with his appointment for his tests at my RE's office. I was hoping for an AF by today evening so I can accompany him, and get my Day 2 done in his company. It'll be HUGE for me! Because I never had him around me whenever I've been tested for Day 2, or started my IUI/IVF screenings. That in itself, will be something I'll be very thankful for, this thanksgiving.

With mom arriving in NY Sat early AM, I asked DH to take Fri off. He obliged! Needless to say, I'm ecstatic! I'm still having all the PMS pain, cramps etc but I hope tomorrow once we're out of the RE's office, we can go to see the Macy's Parade. There's a great chance we'll be late, with our screenings beginning at 8 AM, won't be before 9:30ish that we'll leave from RE's off. But whatever little I get to see, will be great. Having DH with me for two days, and going around the city will be a big change for me. I'm really looking forward to it.

IVF related updates

           It's been a week since RN ordered the pharmacy to mail in my meds, but the package is still not here. I'm expecting AF any minute, after which Day 2/3 blood work and US will be done. They might want me to take some of the medicines/injections with me that day, to show me how to use them. But I still don't have them! This is probably the only aspect of my insurance I don't like. For all fertility drugs, it has to be mailed in, cannot buy and get reimbursed. But like many other things, with the cons come pros. The pros here are- I don't have to stress about filing reimbursement, and then follow up on its status.

           My second concern was I'm already having periods' discharge past 2 days, yet I changed the estrogen patch last night. Was I or was I not supposed to do that? Until how long do I use those patches?

          Left a VM at the RN's desk. Hoping to hear back from her by tonight.

          DH and I plan on meeting with acupuncturist today. DH is pretty upset with acupuncturist's repeated promises his herbal pills and acupuncture will lengthen my luteal phase. We really didn't expect it to be 8 days short despite putting in months of treatments and pills. All without any insurance coverage!I'm too meek to talk sternly with any doc, in fact this guy ends up playing with my emotions by asking me to be patient. Asking me for another month of postponing IVF which, isn't happening now. DH will talk with him tonight. It's so easy for women like us to fall prey to such doctors who claim success on their websites. There will be 10, or 20, or let's say 50 success stories of couples struggling with TTC, who may have had multiple IUIs, IVFs fail, and then this acupuncturist helped them conceive either naturally (that works instantly to attract at least 20 new clients), or through IVF in conjunction with acupuncture, where the couple says "Dr. ____'s treatment made all the difference! He gave us our precious baby, we had lost hope." There will be at least few cases of women with DOR/POF who'll say IVF doctors were frocing DE on them but this acupuncture and herbal pills changed it all! They conceived naturally! Or through IVF without DE. All thanks to Dr. ___!

          But do all of us, even once wonder if it's possible that some of the cases might be a work of the Dr.'s own imagination? A marketing strategy? Or, the 50 success stories we are reading, is that 100% success rate of doctor, or 50% or 10%? What if the doctor has 100 patients, and only 2 are successful? Those 2 put their testimonials on doctor's website, or the doc asks them to, and we end up reading those 2 stories! We think this acupuncturist got these couples a baby! So he'll help us too! But what we don't know of is the other 98 who went home without any baby, and had lost too much time, patience and hopes. I know the same applies to IVF too. WSJ gave an article few months back on how we never get to know how many IVF cases fail. We only see the successful part of it. I agree. I'm an example of it.

          However, we kind of know something about what goes on in IVF, but we've no clue with acupuncture or herbs. Hence, though I strongly encourage Eastern medicines and therapies, for something as critical as DOR/POF cases, I highly recommend not giving the acupuncturist more than 2-3 months of trial. If really all your other western resources are lost, you've had 4/5/6 IVFs, nothing helped, you've nothing to lose, go on for as long as you like. But I think when time is running out, 2-3 months is good to see how we're doing. If you see improvement in your cycle, the cervical mucus, or something, stick on for anotehr month or two. But you need to have some parameter to check for improvement. My acupuncturist failed me with all the parameters I had. Neither my CM changed (it remained thick, yellowish all through), nor did my luteal phase lengthen. Despite five months of acupuncture, and four months of pills. So all I ended up doing was raising my hopes, taking $100 ea nap thrice a week on his table, and paying $90 for pills that I don't know did what in my body. But I sure did increase the acupuncturist's bank balance.

When you dream while you're awake

          After so many heart aches, years of disappointment, I still continue to dream when awake. I wish it was the other way but it never is.

          In my sleep, why do I not dream of getting pregnant naturally? Why do I never dream that I'm having a full-term healthy pregnancy, delivering a very healthy baby who becomes the joy our- and many more- lives. In fact, I never see any baby around me in my dreams. I've never seen that I am a mother. I've seen myself sob when DH leaves me for work, when DH is away all day, gets home and starts working or watching TV again without much to do with me... I live it every day, and dream that. But I never see a baby in my dreams...  My baby who'll be the center of my life, with whom I'll finally have a reason to smile, to live.. who'll grow up and shine, and make a name for her/himself.. Why? I've heard we often dream of what we have in our subconscious. So does that mean, I've lost hope? I don't see it happening? I hope not. I hope I do dream of all that too, but just don't remember it when I wake up each morning. I hope so, I pray so.

         Once I'm up in morning, first thought, last for the night, and all the thoughts between are centered around baby. To  start this blog I created a new email ID. The email ID is mamalovesyouthemost. mama... of whom? lovesyou- who? I first thought of writing separately every day for the baby, tell how much I was waiting to hold her/him. Telling the baby how desperately I wanted to see her/his dad's eyes moisten when he'll know it's happening. Tell the baby that every now and then, while typing each post, almost every line my tears fall on the laptop, and I wait for all of this to end.

          There was a time I'd dream about what would we name our baby, if I conceive this cycle, what would be the approximate due date, what zodiac sign would that give my baby, and so on. It has mellowed down, a lot. I often dread to dream so much, though I occasionally do find myself getting excitedly dreamy about something concerning our baby. Who can resist the love and affection we feel when we look at those tiny clothes or the cute little socks? May be some can. But that's certainly not me.

The dreaded guest

          The dreaded monthly guest arrived today. It's just 26 days! Within 8 days of Ovulation??? Is this what I'm spending all this crazy money on  acupuncture and herbs for? He promised me this month I'll have enough time after ovulation for implantation... Last month cycle was late so I was silently hoping, praying, and celebrating within. This month, I wasn't even given a chance!

          While putting my second estrogen patch last night I was praying I wouldn't need an IVF, I'd be pregnant already this month. Whom am I kidding... miracles are rare, that's why they are called miracles. How would it otherwise be any different from a norm? So very, very lucky are those whose lives are touched by miracles. I wish good for them from the bottom of my heart, celebrate in their happiness but recognize that I should not have my hopes high to be one of those lucky ones. Because such people are special. Their destiny is written when God was in a generously good mood. A mood so good he chose a special paper, special ink, and blessed the lucky ones with those miracles.

          For people like us, if it's not God's miracles, it's other part of the miracle- Science. While science doesn't have the powers mother nature, God or our Karma have, in all its modesty, at least science assures me of some help, gives me some consolation that all is not lost. There's still some hope, there's still some stones we're yet to turn, and still some roads we're yet to travel. That's why I like technology. It shows us a rainbow. Whether we get it or not is a different story. But we at least travel on the path where we hope to find one. If we choose to work hard, pray harder, walk hand in hand with Science, we will get there. When Science gives up, introduce it to God, and it'll be back on its feet. And some day we will get there. We will.

I cheated

          Anyone who knows me well knows I cannot stick to a resolution of not crying. I just cannot. So I cheated yet again. Despite the best of efforts, I cried a lot today, enough to last for hours even at the acupuncturist's office.

          And all of this is happening because I'm beginning to have PMS pain, again! Every cycle I hope I'll not have a period now for nine months but it shamelessly comes back!

          I'm seeing around me women who're on identical protocol like mine- DHEA 25 mg x 3 a day, Prenatal- conceive naturally! They are older than me, have worse numbers than mine in their reports, yet they're conceiving naturally! So why am I not? I know one of them exercises quite a bit, she runs 3-5 miles 4-5 times a week.  She conceived within a month! One month?!?! I mean, did she have those high FSH and low AMH numbers, really? Is it because of her active routine? Her BMI of 20? What do I do? NOTHING. Other than standing to cook, I've no other exercise. I procrastinate too much. I'm so tempted to drop the IVF for another 2 months, get serious about exercising, and diet, feel a bit better about myself and then do the IVF. But knowing myself, I don't think I'll stick to it.

          I want my own baby, and I want it really bad. Then why didn't I get serious about it? Why was my loneliness so overpowering on 'real need of the hour'? I would watch TV soaps for hours- detest them yet watch every day, every episode- spend the evening cooking, then eat, and then it was bed time.

          I'm afraid, embarrassed to say to DH I want at least another month. Also, DHEA gave me some good results one cycle with FSH going to 4 from 24, and AMH going to 0.73 from 0.15. That was incredible! But next month, FSH was 8 and AMH back to 0.16. I'm so shocked that I just don't want to take any more chances. I don't want to waste much time either.

         Mom's visiting me for a month and half, just for the IVF. She'll be here by thanksgiving. I cannot have her cancel her international ticket on a short notice... I don't know what to do.... I've another patch to put tonight. Will put that anyways.

Update on 2nd day after Estrogen, and some blabber

          So I did call up my RE's office at 10 PM last night. Turns out, I was misinformed that they have nursing staff 24x7. Evening hours there's just service line that ends up calling RE with your msg.

          Instantly I said NO. I don't want him to remember me as a hyper woman. So I hung up the call, and just sent an email to my IVF coordinator. She replied this morning with confirmation that next patch should be applied 3" away from the navel: Will keep that in mind!

         I'm hoping to be a little less lazy today. Weather's cold but mildly sunny. Feels good to open windows to let the fresh air in. Summer is great because I've windows open all the time so there's ample fresh air. Well, summer- at least these past two years- was very humid in NYC but I loved it. I'm at my best when temps are between 80-90, or even 100 though I'll be found drinking too much of fluids as I sweat so much.

          Turns out I'm a lot more comfortable in high temps because my body is always very cold. Most of the time I have cold and chest congestion, sometimes in summer too. My sinuses hurt, I wheeze, and develop breathing problems which are acute enough to be termed asthma. The funny part is, that despite dampness within my body (got to know of this from Ayurveda doctors and Chinese acupuncturists too), I love to drink smoothies, juices, milk shakes, cold coffee etc. In summers or winter, I'm always in for drinking some thing. As if my body is dehydrated.

         As per the acupuncturists, a damp body makes it even harder to conceive. They have some terms like yin, yang etc? I don't get into all that, just love my relaxing nap on the acupuncturist's table. It seems like I pay $100 for that 20 minute nap. I often want to sleep more but he has others to attend to. He's a very busy doctor. Past two months that I'm going to him- three times a week pre ovulation, once a week post ovulation- I've figured his four rooms are always filled with patients, and he's running between those rooms like a frenzied guy. I guess he treats 30 or more patients a day. Wow! My doctor must be a rich guy! He doesn't take insurance. I'm paying mostly out of my pocket. But working with two acupuncturists under my insurance plan was futile. I lost about 1.5 yrs in that.

          Having said that, I haven't seen anything change in my cycles with this acupuncturist as well. At least with this doc, I put in a lot of hope and faith, if we were to think about how much faith we have in doctor plays a role. It's been 5 months, no change yet. He has quite a few testimonials on his website about how women who were TTC since years, had several failed  IUI/IVF, who were being forced for DE, got pregnant naturally or with IVF while on this guy's treatment. I don't know how many are true, or if his success rate is even 50%? I just hope I'll be one of those testimonials some day. I had also inquired into Elizabeth Carpenter's sessions. She sounded excellent but I just didn't get a feel that her clinic would be appropriate for a middle-class woman like me. My RE also has 99% of the class for whom- it seems like- multiple IVF costs out of pocket would be absolutely no big deal. But given my circumstances, I had to choose him over Columbia because even though Columbia was willing to do an IVF on me, they're just so negative about my case.

          And I believe a doctor is one of the biggest source of inspiration. I'm not looking for a cheat, but someone who'll give me hope when I need it the most. If it's a hopeless case, still say "I may not be the best one to help you, but hang in there, never know what miracle awaits you".

          I expect this because this is not a terminal illness. There are people who were told their cancer would give them just a month more to live. They chose a different doctor who gave the patients a laughter therapy, gave them hope, asked them to pray, and the patients lived for six months or even a year. That's the power a doctor holds. He doesn't write our destiny but sure can guide us through it.

          I know I will get what I want. Despite that, I cry so much. I've always lacked patience, I think that's what I need the most. ahhhhh, wish I could buy it OTC! We've the best phones, great technology, home delivery for almost everything, can marry online, can now feel a person far away from us through a magic pillow (was it CNN, not sure- it's not too helpful though), but we cannot buy patience!